So I did. And then I was faced with more discouraging questions: Was I sure I wasn’t exaggerating? I got through court dates and the gossip. I re-grouped, and I had help from some family members and Luke’s Place, an amazing Durham Region-based organization that helps abused women get through the court process.

But why did I need help? It sounds simple: If someone is hurting you, you leave, you certainly don’t continue an intimate relationship with the person. As the Canadian Women’s Foundation points out, however, it isn’t that easy:

Domestic abuse is often a gradual process, with the frequency of assaults and seriousness of the violence slowly escalating over time. Since abusers often express deep remorse and promise to change, it can take years for women to admit that the violence will never stop and the relationship is unsalvageable. The long-term experience of being abused can destroy a woman’s self-confidence, making it more difficult for her to believe that she deserves better treatment, that she can find the courage to leave, or that she can manage on her own.

Band Back Together, a weblog maintained by “a band of survivors,” describes emotional abuse as brainwashing: “it erodes a person’s self-esteem, confidence, and trust in their own judgment.” In other words, if you’re abused your thought process becomes hardwired with doubting. You ask yourself questions like: “Am I sure what is happening is abuse?”

This is hard to shake off. (In many cases, people won’t let you shake it off.) In my life, no matter what accomplishments I’ve made since, there will always be people who are certain that I am incapable of making any healthy decisions. Maybe it is out of a place of concern, I’d like to think, but I also know better: if you want to help an abuse victim feel like they are competent again, telling them what to do and questioning their life decisions does not help.

Violence Against Women, a section on a U.S. site, WomenHealth.gov  says you can’t rescue an abused friend: “Support her no matter what her decision.”

If you have a friend who cannot leave, or are being abused and are struggling to leave, know that this does not make you a bad person—it just means your abuser is very good. It just means that leaving an abuser is incredibly difficult. HelpGuide.org provides the following Dos and Don’ts:

Do: ask if something is wrong, express concern, listen and validate, offer help, support his or her decisions.

Don’t: Wait for him or her to come to you, judge or blame, pressure him or her, give advice, place conditions on your support.

Half of all Canadian women have experienced physical or sexual violence. This isn’t a problem regarding poor choices, it is an issue that deserves more attention and victim support.

A former This intern, Hillary Di Menna writes Gender Block every week and maintains an online feminist resource directory, FIRE- Feminist Internet Resource Exchange.

The post begins with 17 years worth of good things—Parsons love of animals, a box he planned to give her full of childhood crafts—before Canning recounts the heartbreak his daughter felt the last 18 months of her life. The Nova Scotia family says that Parsons was raped, at 15, by four boys. Pictures of the gang rape circulated social media sites, the teen received text messages from strangers asking for sex, and was bullied even after changing schools. The authorities said there was not enough evidence to charge the boys. Only after she killed herself, has the case been reopened.

“Rehtaeh Parsons thought the worst outcome for her case would be no charges against the men who raped her but we all know better. The worst thing that could happen would be charges,” Canning added, directly addressing the Justice Minister of Nova Scotia. “That they would be found guilty, and that Rehtaeh would sit on a court bench and listen in utter disbelief as they were given parole, or a suspended sentence, or community service. All for completely destroying her life while they laughed.”

Unfortunately, Canning’s not exaggerating the possiblity of light punishment. “Nova Scotia has the highest rate of sexual assault and some of the lowest charge, conviction and sentencing rates in Canada,” Liberal MLA Kelly Regan told the legislature April 9. The rest of Canada isn’t so great, either. Consider this: two years ago Kenneth Rhodes served no jail time after he raped a woman because a Manitoba judge said the victim’s wardrobe—a tube top—suggested, “Sex was in the air.” With such bleak facts and the added confusion to an already life-altering situation, it is no wonder only 10 per cent of sexual assaults against women are reported.

Oshawa-based Luke’s Place is the only Canadian support centre for abused women and their family going through the court system of its kind. Founded in September 2003, the centre helps victims connect with emergency shelter, lawyers and other social services. Its staff also offers help with court paperwork, guidance through the court system, counselling, information resources and provides someone to attend court with the abused.

In addition to such on-the-ground work, the organization also brings public awareness to the issue of violence against women. This includes sexual, physical, psychological and economical abuse. Their website provides six Ontario-based research reports on over 132 abused women and their experiences in the courtroom. In the reports, women detail any combination of: feeling threatened, fearing retaliation, not being able to find representation, reliving abuse, and not being able to afford court expenses.

Many also said they were frustrated with court policy interfering with their cases—such as the sparse contact between family and criminal court. In one example, a man was sentenced to a month in prison for strangling his partner; this information was not relayed to the family court responsible for determining child custody. Sixty-two per cent of women said they wished judges and lawyers had a better understanding of the impact of such violence.

In many ways, it seems justice comes down to money. Women make up the majority of lone parent families and have an average annual income of $30,000. Legal Aid will not be rewarded until all assets are sold and savings are spent. Even then, Legal Aid can run out, and legal bullying can extend the process. Examples of this include: when the accused brings forward motions or appeals even when it’s likely they won’t be successful, or when the accused changes lawyers just to extend the court process—causing victims more pain.

If the judicial system is so intimidating for victims, important case evidence can not be brought to light, restricting any true justice.